My one regret in life was continually giving people more than I had to give.
(They even don't appreciate it. They never do.)
#recovery2025
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I think my resistance to meditation is about control. Fear of losing control. I'm least in control when I meditate. Not having the outcome I wanted when I meditate (like when my heart rate and stress level don't go down) is the worst such loss of control, which means I'm not in control of myself. Which leads to self-judgement, which is an attempt to control.
I think I judge myself before other people can judge me, as a protective mechanism.
And I used to say that if I didn't cry during therapy, I wasn't getting my money's worth. But apparently now I cry wherever I meditate.
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And also, in the spirit of the reset, it's probably ok to just let myself feel bad and process things.
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I've got a lot more to say about the state of therapy culture in the US, about all the complicated ways we're taught to lie to ourselves telling ourselves that we're safe when we're not actually, how helping professions have been coopted by the machine to just get people to cope through the uncopable to be exploited just a little longer, I've gone on that rant before and I have plenty more to say on that...
But... I should get back to the wagon, back to the reset if I can.
/
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So yeah, when I'm like hey, I should have gone on a data diet years ago, should have simply stopped compulsively thinking and ruminating about everything, should have paced harder, should have listened to my body and if I was feeling tired just laid down, should have forced myself to mediate daily, it's all so obvious. Because these things are working.
But really... naw, I couldn't do all that. Because I wasn't safe. Because having enough of a still mind filled my body with panic. Sure, there were times I forced myself to mediate, and I could find peace for a second, but then it was back to the battle lines. It was just coping through one thing after another. Situationally, I wasn't safe, and all the coping mechanisms — no matter how maladaptive, no matter how much they were destroying my body and keeping me from healing — were NECESSARY.
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A couple of days into this energy reset, I was wondering why I hadn't done it sooner, and realized that in that moment, I felt safe for the first time since BEFORE I left my abuser. So well over a decade, but I couldn't remember just when.
I reviewed the last decade. My severe PTSD in 2015 had me in perpetual anxiety attack, only feeling somewhat ok when I was in my room. That went on for years, as Trump got elected the first time, and other major setbacks, chronic stress, and new traumas. I moved a couple of times until I ran out of money (my 401k), then did the last thing I wanted to do — moved back home. And there, FoxNews was on all the time. I finally got paying work, which lifted a ton of stress, but the other problems continued, and I stayed sick, though I was making slow improvements.
But then dad got really sick right after I agreed to be their caretaker in exchange for the house. Three months of really intense taking care of him through bone cancer that I wasn't well enough to do. But I did it anyway. Then he died, and mom fed me emergency after emergency to handle, some legit, others manufactured. Nearly two years of that and trying to set boundaries with her, until I realized she was a vampire who would never change, and I was getting sicker than ever, multiple burnouts, every couple of months, bled dry and had to leave or I'd die.
Then fall, Trump getting elected again, last winter of escaping to here in terrible weather, while burnt out, and adjusting to a whole new life partly off-grid, while also preparing for end times.
That's all the stuff that led to my burnout last month.
And then the reset and realized that I'm ACTUALLY safe now, which is hard to believe because I'd told myself I was safe that whole time and *I was not*.
Turns out that if you're actually safe, it doesn't take long until you FEEL actually safe.
If you go on and on not feeling safe, then you AREN'T SAFE.
But it's not like I had any options.
Lots of potential trigger points for me this summer.
-Tenth anniversary of leaving my abuser was a couple of months ago.
-Bad DEFCON memories for some reason are coming up for me more this year (plenty of abuse happened there).
-I guess WorldCon is back in the PNW, and I was slated to go to the Spokane one in 2015 when I was on the verge of a sci-fi career, but my abuser decided that was when he'd reveal his financial abuse hand to prevent me from going, not even using my own money. (Biggest red flag that, among many other things that year, that eventually led to me finally leaving.)
-And last night I was watching Six Feet Under, which both has the actor from Dexter in it (we watched Dexter together, and he said he related to Dexter's code, another one of his first red flags — he was covert, so he usually hid them well), AND the episode was set in Vegas at places he and I went together during DEFCON. I started having flashbacks of things I'd completely forgotten, but was able to shove them back down before they could take hold.
So I'm braced. I'm not usually triggered with one thing, but when they bunch up like this, just one thing will set them all off at once. I don't sleep well and awoke tense.
I've been doing really well on this burnout reset, but I'm afraid I'm starting to fall off the wagon. I'm on here a little more, and it's harder to prevent myself from returning to bad habits of overthinking and hyperactive data consumption. I'm well aware that those activities were keeping the trauma (both present and past) under control.
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Alright, I managed to work another hour, and finished a chapter that had taken way too long. Not my 2.5-hour-per-day work goal, but much much better than last week.
Caffeine helped. I'd forgotten that I'd switched to green tea this week as part of the whole energy recovery thing, and that I'm used to working with black tea or sometimes coffee. I had a leftover latte from town a few days ago that I'd avoided drinking for the above reasons, and that got me right focused.
The video cautions against stimulants when recovering from burnout, because it masks how much energy you're using. But that doesn't mean I can't do it, just that I need to be sure to watch myself as it wears off, that I don't over-spend. I don't have any big plans for the rest of the day, so that should be easy so long as I keep myself under control.
#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn
#MECFS #ActuallyAutistic #autism #burnout #ChronicIllness #AutDHD
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I had a good workday yesterday for the first time in weeks. Was able to focus and be clear about what needed to be done, and do it with confidence.
Today I've got some energy, but having trouble maintaining it in any focused sense. This is where, I think, I often bleed off energy and end up back at zero. I'm finding myself wandering around cleaning up email, revisiting Mastodon settings, back on social media. These *will* all be good and doable things eventually, but I'm still in a fragile zone. I worked *more* yesterday, but didn't work as long as my goal is, and I run out of energy very quickly still. (I'm learning that laying down for 10 minutes can restore me really well! But I hate doing it.)
Basically, I'm losing the marvelous levels of self-restraint I had for the first near-week of this reset. That takes energy, too: willpower. I clocked in for 7 minutes, actually got a lot done in those minutes, then clocked out because I got bored and started meandering, and now I'm here.
So, it's progress, but I'm scared of losing it. Fear of failing at work is one thing keeping me from diving in to work. Work is normally restorative for me, unless I'm full of self-doubt and mental fatigue symptoms, something I've had for way too long now, and having more of that after all this work to get better will emotionally devastate me.
Anyway, back to it.
#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn
#MECFS #ActuallyAutistic #autism #burnout #ChronicIllness #AutDHD
LRT: re Plato's Cave, you haven't seen me around here much lately, but I read a novel for an hour last night.
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When I left my abuser (ten years ago!) most of these slower activities were impossible. Part of it was the usual tech craze dopamine cycles we were all caught up in. But part of it was the extreme anxiety-attack levels of anxiety I had *constantly*. These obsessive "always on" habits formed out of that.
At the time, if I was still for 5 seconds, I'd churn. I couldn't lay on my back at all because my belly felt exposed and I churned. I couldn't meditate or nap or even just watch a movie without churning. I needed constant stimulation or I couldn't stand it. It was simply pain avoidance that turned into compulsive patterns. Social media was part of that. I was aware of all of this, but helpless to do anything else.
The anxiety has been more under control for a few years, but even then, it wasn't really, because politics and living with my mom. At least then, the anxiety was associated with real things, whereas when I formed these habits, it was ghost anxiety, and really intense all the time.
So this is really the first chance I've had a stable enough situation to really start setting healthier rules for myself.
You know, that and hitting rock bottom.
#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn
#MECFS #ActuallyAutistic #autism #burnout #ChronicIllness #AutDHD
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I focused hard on the Great Reset over the weekend. Total habit change.
Rules:
1. Only allowed to do one thing at once. (No idle games while watching YouTube.)
2. Longer-form and more analog activities:
- Less Doomscrolling
- Less posting (don't post every thought!)
- Less YouTube, more TV shows and movies
3. Stop thinking!
I did that on Friday and Sunday with Super Rest Days. Did some reading (from real books, actually finished a book!), watched some shows, did some ZenTangle (it's a doodling technique), meditation, naps, walks, other things.
The first day was super hard. But by last night, I was like, hey you've done enough, you can binge YouTube while playing idle games if you want, and guess what? *I didn't want*.
Saturday, I went to the farmers market and to the grocery store because I had to. It was a little too much, but I'm just glad I was finally able to go to the market.
I've noticed that today, yes, I'm tired, but it's not pain-tired. It's normal sleepy tired, a kind of tired I'm not used to feeling the past ten years. The kind of tired that, when I say "I'm tired," and the other person says, "Oh me too, I could sure use a nap," that's the kind of tired THEY feel, while I was feeling a deeply painful kind of tired that's beyond their comprehension.
But as I go through the day, I'm starting to feel the edges of that deeper tired again. So I'm going to try to bill one hour, but stop there. I need to be billing 2.5 hours a day! But getting permanently better is more important for now.
I'm learning what not to do, but still trying to figure out what activities give me energy when I'm so deep in debt I can't do the really fun stuff (like thinking, or hiking, or partying).
I've noticed that when in doubt, laying down, with or without a nap or meditation (I usually can't really nap), works well.
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A lot of this is stuff that I've secretly suspected to be a problem for awhile now, but haven't been in a good position to address it.
Willpower also takes energy. Major habit changes take energy. And many of these things are or were copes for worse things.
Getting out of my most recent toxic situation was necessary to reach this step, where I'm reducing my social media usage, disconnecting from thinking too much, and ceasing to do multiple recreational activities at once (like I'm doing now, sigh... mid-video, idle game on the iPad, posting), these are all obsessive copes, to the point that the zinging mild pain I get from overstimulating myself is a crave that I'm seeking...
But it's also what's keeping me sick. And I'm safe now, for the moment, and can cut that crap out.
#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn
#MECFS #ActuallyAutistic #autism #burnout #ChronicIllness #AutDHD
I'm on day two of trying very hard not to think. I had strenuous dreams last night that involved trying not to think. Not helpful!
My number one rule is: I'm only allowed to do one thing at a time. Right now I am breaking that rule by writing this post while making breakfast. Whoops.
I'm to try to set a daily meditation habit. I don't have high hopes for this one. The first thing is hard enough.
I'm also trying to switch to slower tasks, and things that require longer focus times. YouTube and doomscrolling are largely OUT, along with posting long threads on here (for awhile at least). TV shows are back in, along with movies, and dare I say cross stitch and reading? I managed yesterday!
I really think maybe thinking too much is contributing to my present fatigue levels. At least I hope so, because I'm running out of things to try.
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I'm watching an Irish woman visiting the US for the first time weeping over seeing her first deer, and that's really helping with the trigger. The exact opposite kind of feeling, connecting to someone else's experience of something I have experienced. That's why I was replying on that music thread in the first place.
Connection, not division, and it makes me really sad that some people have absolutely no idea what that is or how to do it.
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The IRL pretentious-type scene trolling that was so popular amongst young GenX is seriously partly why I have social anxiety in the first place, and it gatekept me out of a lot of things I had an interest in. Including niche music and infosec.
The ironic thing? It's my abuser who snapped me out of that. Who said guys like that weren't worth paying attention to. That I was welcome in spaces like DEFCON and BSides just because I was interested, not because I had to pass some test. And from there, the illusion of the music snob as a gatekeeper fell for me too.
(There are reasons why I missed the red flags in my abuser.... because how could someone like that be abusive? (I know now.))
There's this troll that thread-jacked over on YouTube under a reaction video where we were talking about other music that the reactor might like, specifically shoegaze. He's one of those pretentious music snob type trolls that long predated the internet troll scene, and he must not have gotten the memo that it's not cool or even normal to be that way anymore, especially when it comes to music. One of those guys that has to prove how much better he is as a human being because of his music opinions that he insists are objective fact and you're just too stupid to understand. One of those guys that honestly I used to think music scenes were all about and what kept me from even trying certain kinds of music for so long.
And even though I know how to handle him (I'm going the route of calling out his shitty behavior, because I don't think we should ignore the trolls — that's how we got fascism), and I'm not too worried about the outcome, and he's got no power over me, and I don't even care what he thinks of me, it still has me triggered in a way that I used to be, every day online.
I just gotta say that after being on Mastodon for so long as my online home, how much this brings into contrast just how normal it used to be for my daily online experience to be this shite. Between online triggers, IRL triggers, and life stress, this feeling I have now used to be my baseline anxiety-level of existence, and it could only get worse from here.
It's showing my progress, but also it sucks to feel, but also how did I used to feel this way constantly? but also how grateful I am to have had a long break from it and to be in a place (both online and off) that doesn't press those buttons constantly.
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But I think my hard stance on doing as little as possible is finally sinking in. All I had scheduled today was a couple of hours of work and a shower. Halfway there. I'm blowing off everything else and don't even care.
You have no idea how hard it was to reach this point.
And how grateful I am that it was possible. Because this isn't the first time in my recovery I've tried this strategy and people in my life wouldn't let me.
My work is done. The dude abides.
I had capacity to work today without having to push myself or endure pain or battle brain fog. It was really nice.
The last couple of weeks (since the burnout), I've noticed that even when I'm not overloading my day, work has still been difficult. I think that after so many days over so many years of pushing myself through severe pain and brain fog to work anyway, even if it's just 1-2 hours a day, wired me with all kinds of garbage related to work.
Today went better.
It's really upsetting to me that this happened. And how hard I'd tried to set boundaries over the years to keep that from happening.
But so long as I keep this space carved out for myself, I can hopefully rewire. I'm fiercely determined.
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Emotionally? I'm doing really, really great. (Even with that meltdown yesterday when the cat wouldn't stop vomiting.)
Cognitively? Also doing super good. Almost no impairing levels of brain fog unless I'm pushing myself, and really great executive function overall. Better than in years for this long of a stretch, I'd say.
Even pain is down significantly. I used to have tears in my eyes every morning just from pain. I used to be on a whole other 1-10 pain scale, and sometimes even a 3rd scale. Now I have certain days when I'm in 1st scale pain, might even be a 10 but it's on that first scale, and usually it's not a problem unless I push.
So really, my biggest problem now is energy and sometimes pain. It does seem like I'm less abled now. It seems like I'm doing less. In some ways, I'm not able to do things I was able to do last year even, in spite of being in more pain and emotional turmoil then. It's hard in the moment to get perspective.
I'm feeling impatient because it seems like my hard work to get well should now be paying off in terms of productivity, freedom, and ability to go and do fun things, too.
I'm feeling impatient because I've made all this progress but it's not resulting in me being able to pursue my own goals. I'm still focused primarily on survival, and struggling at that.
And I'm feeling impatient *because* emotionally I'm motivated, and cognitively I can understand what needs to be done and how to do it. Just my body keeps holding me back.
Being held back is being held back, even if I'm being held back by fewer things.