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Okay, this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. My router and WiFi AP don't have internet access, any device connected to the AP or through the router via Ethernet has no access, with the sole exception being my laptop.

What?

Oh, my Odroid server is also connected via Ethernet and that has access too.

Already updated the AP, gonna check for router updates and then if nothing else, I'll just have to wipe it clean and see how that works.

Reboots: Nothing

Reset router to factory settings: Nothing

Re-upload previous router configuration: My laptop has access through WiFi only, my server has Ethernet access.

The list of access-less devices:
Another Debian 9 laptop
1 RPi 0 w/Raspbian
1 RPi3 w/OSMC
2 Android phones on 7.0 and 8.0

If I can't get get a eureka moment soon, I'll have to go to bed before I bang my head against something.

Tooted too soon, just had my eureka moment.

Realized when running nslookup on my server and laptop --and somehow completely forgot-- is that both of those clients are using OpenNIC DNS servers instead of whatever standard ISP issued one that it defaults too.

Changed the DNS on the laptop and phones: internet automagically works again.

Not sure if my ISP's just a piece of shit (likely) or they're actively fucking with me. Either way, 🖕 to them and I'm glad I can sleep in peace tonight.

Nigel @ignitionigel
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@pinguino niiiice!
I'm relly gad I run a RPi with PiHOle on it; ISP DNS can suck a fat one, to be blunt about it.
I have several fallback DNS servers set up in it, which is great (it picks the fastest from what I can tell), and the router giving the info out to the devices sets 8.8.8.8 as secondary just in case the RPi goes out or dies for whatever reason.

Glad you solved it!

@ignitionigel I swear, it's always networking issues that stump me above all else. I did make sure to set three DNS servers as backup on the router as well, so I should be all good from here on out.

Sometimes I feel like I'd rather have to deal with Nvidia drivers than the networking issues I seem to get.

...then I regain clarity 😆