Tooted too soon, just had my eureka moment.
Realized when running nslookup on my server and laptop --and somehow completely forgot-- is that both of those clients are using OpenNIC DNS servers instead of whatever standard ISP issued one that it defaults too.
Changed the DNS on the laptop and phones: internet automagically works again.
Not sure if my ISP's just a piece of shit (likely) or they're actively fucking with me. Either way, 🖕 to them and I'm glad I can sleep in peace tonight.
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