i do not come to stack exchange to learn about your fetishes, jeez

when you were walking in the sand and saw only one set of foot prints... that is when I walked off for a sec to go look at a cool rock I found

the jedi always make their screwdrivers with grey goose or stoli cuz only the sith deal with absolut

one of my very favorite little anecdotes is: a customer is shopping for a crystal ball in an occult shop. they pick one and the shop clerk gives them a warning, "now you'll want to make sure you cover this with a cloth, especially if you're keeping it in a room with windows during the day".

the customer nodded knowingly, "because of the spirits".

"no because this thing is a fucking huge magnifying glass and you'll burn your house down"

you say old Portland is dead, but I'm listening to two twenty-somethings poorly cover "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes on ukuleles while eating at a food cart

it was like two years ago that I realized that Panic wasn't advocating for us to have These Kinds of Things with a sense of poisoned rationality

me, in DnD hell: that's all you got?! it's a....hot city. a city that is hot. it's stinky and not fun. god you're going to have to do better than that
imp: wait for it *speakers appear on every corner*
me: what is this supposed to be some spooky announcements about how we're going to be tortured forever, boring
speakers: *synth chords* we built Dis City on rock and roll
me: aaaaaaaaaaaaaugh

things normal people say that make no sense at all to linguists 

- "he's terrible at his own language"

- "I don't speak a dialect"

- "ruining the language"

- "this word doesn't exist"

- "in this city people have no accent"

- "kanji etymology"

- "so many people are using word X *wrong*! the actual meaning is this!"

- "English is irregular"

- "primitive language"

- "drawl"

- "eliminate the passive voice from your writing"

- "German is logical/aggressive/ugly" etc., "French is romantic/sophisticated" "Japanese is mysterious" etc.

- "phonetic language"

- "L'Académie française"

- "grammar error"

me, watching Exandria Unlimited: Calamity: man, these wizards really think they can just do more and more marvelous feats without endangering the lives of everyone on the planet...

me, reading the news: huh, the Great Salt Lake might dry out in my lifetime. weird.

Do you still wear your mask?

Please boost i wanna get more people to vote

A thing I learned about myself when going to my first rodeo is that I am fundamentally incapable of calling the "bucking broncos" anything other than the "broncking buckos" until at least my third attempt

another guy passes on a very fancy bike which sports ... truck nuts

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"your consumption patterns can save the planet" is just as wrong as "nothing you do can help, roll coal on your yacht until the rev comes". there's no synthesis, the correct answer is not circumscribed by these wrong answers.

consider that there will almost certainly be tens of millions of people who have to make the choice between becoming climate refugees and "stay and die", in the US West, in the next two decades

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